CT scan day

I went in to have my scan today and made a right fool of myself. I burst into tears. I think it is because it all comes back to me, the reason for the scan,the anger at having this preventable disease and trying to be happy when inside I am falling to peices. It may also have something to do with it being a year since I lost my dad and I miss him so much.

I still have problems believing it is a year ago he left this earth.
I left some flowers at the cemetry in memory of him. I chose Gladioli as I have a wonderful memory that relates to my dad and the humble Gladd. I can’t remember how old I was, must have been about 10 or 12, and it was my birthday. I was having something to eat in the kitchen and in walks my dad with a Gladioli. “Happy birthday” he said as it gave to me. I have never forgotten that so when I saw them at the florists I had to have them. I don’t know when I get the results for the scan. I hope it will be very soon.

4 months ago

I had my last CT scan 4 months ago and am due my 4th scan since October 2006 tomorrow.
I don’t like this part as I have to wait to get the results of the scan and am always thinking that there maybe a little miracle that might happen when I get the results or that Theo has decided to grow. I have to be realistic and I know deep down that Theo (my cancer) isn’t going to shrink and I can only hope he has not grown.
If That is the case, the next examination will be an X-ray. I will be happier with that as the fluid dye injection is uncomfortable.
My Oncologist is wonderful and is very positive, I sometimes wonder if he is telling me the truth as I want to know everything.
I am sure he is truthful but my experience last year was not good.
I was told in December 2006 that I would have 6 - 9 months to live and no amount of excercise, diet change or lifestyle would change the outcome.
My 9 month is up in September and I am still here.
How wrong he was,and I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not except his diagnosis, Hence I went for a second opinion!
I am not prepared for some random oncologist who doesn’t know me that well to give up on me.
I have not given up and I will walk with Theo for as long as I can. He has been a good friend this past 9 months and I hope it stays that way for a very long time.

Successful diary

I am so pleased to be able to say that I have a lot of people who have either emailed or have stopped me in a shop or the street to say how they are reading my diary. This is great as I didn’t think it would take off like it did. Many friends I knew before my diagnosis are reading it which suprised me. The point of the website is that you don’t have to become a member to read it. Thank you to you all, you know who you are, for making this a success. I appreciate it and hope you will carry on reading it.

I am happy to recieve any comments to my email address (good or bad and within reason) which is :

Phu_phita@hotmail.com

I will answer them all. This little site has even reached a couple in Canada as the lady’s Father is going through a clinical trial. I really hope all goes well with that and with all the sufferes who link onto the site and also those that don’t.

I intend to fight this wrong doing as this disease is something that should never have happened.

1 year on (An ode to my Dad)

It is hard to believe that a whole year has passed since my dad died. I will be remembering him with love and will never forget him.

An ode to my dad

He is with me always, when the fresh aroma of daffodils fill the air of spring and the hot sun of summer warms my skin,
when the autumn wind brushes my cheek on a windy day
and the cold,chilly frost of winter nips at my nose.
He is with me throughout the seasons.

I will smile when I think of you but there will be tears in my heart.

I will celebrate you today and everyday.

your ever loving daughter
Debbie x

Written by Debbie Brewer 2007

I went for lunch at the Mount Batten pub in Plymouth with 2 of my children. It was such a beautiful day. We toasted my dad with Orange juice and cola and took a little stroll on the pier.

People were fishing and carrying on with their everyday lives and I felt like my life was in slow motion. I was deep in thought thinkng about how he should not have died and he should be enjoying this beautiful day aswell. But I can’t bring him back and I have to except the fact that he is gone but he will never be forgotten and I will dedicate my life to try and right this wrong that has affected both of us and countless others in our situation.

Dedication

This has to be the most difficult weekend I have had for a long time. My dear father died on 26th August and I have been reliving the moments of last year. He should not have died. He was a very youthful man who should have lived a lot longer than he did. Tomorrow is going to be harder to deal with as it is his first anniversary. I am gong to remember him with happiness and smiles and not tears, which is easier to say than to do. I am dedicating my weekend to my dad, Phillip Northmore,
To My Dad
I love you and miss you so much. I miss your wise words, your smiles,your laughter and especially your hugs. I know you are near me everyday and you guide me through this difficult time.
Thankyou for being my dad.
Debbie x

Apologies

A diary entry dated 24th June 2007 refers to how I felt when we were about to fly off to America. I was extremely nervous and did get obsessive about the tickets and passports.
I emulated this in the diary by using the term “OCD’d up” and it was taken to be offensive to others who suffer with this condition. It was not meant as a jibe to OCD sufferers but to portray how I was feeling at the time and how bad OCD is as I suffer from it somewhat mildly myself.

Phobias and obsessions are terrible things to have to live with. It can destroy lives and the sufferer becomes very isolated.

I am sorry for any upset caused,
Debbie.

Broccoli sprouts

Broccoli sprouts have been in the news again and today I tried them. I had them with a salad and they were delicious. I am happy to try anything that will give me more time on this earth as I am not ready to leave. I heard about them in the news last week and have been reading up on them. This is not new news, it has been around for more than 10 years. The link below concerns the scientist Dr. Paul Talalay and his studies.

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/press/1997/SEPT/970903.HTM.

The sprouts are availabe in health food stores. Check out your local store and ask if they stock them

I will post anything else on here I may come across.

It's a girl !

Congratulations to my sister, Wendy and her husband, Chris, on becoming Grandparents. Their son, Phillip and his partner, Kim, had a little girl on Saturday 11th August 2007. She weighed in at just over 5lb. Mum, Dad and Baby are doing well.

Little Tyra-lee will be a very welcome addition to our family.
She is so tiny, I forgot just how little babies were.

FLAXSEED CAPSULES



I have been taking Flaxseed granules every day for the past 3-4months and have seen in my local Holland and Barrett store that they stock the capsules.

This is going to be easier than taking the granules as when I add the granules to juice, it is like drinking bread crumbs. (but it has to be done!)
A lot of stores seem to be catering for the alternative diet and this makes it easier to get hold of. Next mission…..Broccoli sprouts, as I heard in the news that this was now a very good source of nutrients for cancer patients.


I am doing my own survey and will post any information or changes on the site.

Back to work

I have just finished my first rotation at work (3 x 12 hour days) since coming back from Egypt and I am exhausted. I don’t think I am any more tired than my team mates who do the same shift.

I have a supportive and loyal team at work and I hope we don’t split up.

I am still taking my Flaxseed granules ,this is coming up for 3 - 4 months. I am really hoping that the next CT scan shows the same result as to think it will shrink is just not going to happen. I have turned vegan as a lot of information about cancer is to keep away from red meat, white bread and hydroginated fats to name but a few. I was a vegetarian anyway so it didn’t take much persuading.
I am still sure that I am not going to have chemo, that may change but at the moment I don’t feel I need it.

Back to the grind.

Eziak or hello as it means in Arabic. I have returned from my travels and am staying in the uk until further notice : )

Egypt was better than I expected it to be. We met some great people and saw some amazing monuments. My next expedition is to the hospital for a CT scan on 31st August. I hope the results stay the same as I do not feel any different. I feel very well and have not had any aches or pains for a while. It all came back to me when I entered one of the Pyramids in Egypt and I did get a little breathless but as I had Siobhan and Rich with me I knew I would be ok. I did it and am so proud of myself as the tours we were on meant an awful lot of walking, and I did it!